Missing Mom

Last year at this time, Lainey was still snuggled tight in my womb, so tomorrow will be my first official Mother's Day. It will also be my first Mother's Day without my mom. She would have been 66 this past Thursday.

It's been a little over six months since Mom died, and while it's getting easier to remember her and talk about her, I have yet to go a week without crying. I miss her. I miss having the opportunity to share this stage of my life with her. There were a lot things my mother did that frustrated me, but she would have been an incredible grandmother. It still breaks my heart that she's missing out on Lainey's wonderful little life and that Lainey will only know her through the stories I share.

When she was alive, Mom and I talked two to three times a week (sometimes more). She was always my sounding board...whether it being over something that was frustrating me or exciting me, Mom was the first person I called. We didn't always see eye-to-eye (actually, we probably disagreed more than agreed), but even when I knew her advice was going to annoy me, I still wanted to make that call.

My mother certainly wasn't perfect, and I can't say that I plan to be the same kind of mother she was. But, she was a better mom to me than my grandmother to her, and I hope to be better for Lainey than she was for me. And then Lainey will be the best of us all. Isn't that how it goes? We learn from the mistakes of our mothers, so we can be wiser, stronger, kinder mothers ourselves.

Mistakes aside, there are plenty of things that I will do exactly as she did. I will take Lainey to every Disney or Sesame Street on Ice show out there and read her Sleeping Beauty 10,000 times, if she wants. I will chaperone every field trip I possibly can and be home room mother for her school classrooms. I'll let her try every sport, musical instrument, or hobby under the sun, even if I know it won't hold her interest for more than a day. But, I won't let her be a quitter. If she doesn't like everything she tries, she doesn't have to stick with it forever, but she has to finish her initial commitment.

I'll hold her when she hurts, but toughen her up when she's being too sensitive. I'll tell her I'm proud of her and tell her I love her and give her hugs and kisses every single day.

Mom had a rule; you never got off the phone or parted ways without saying “I love you.”  You could be fuming mad with each other, but you still said it. My last conversation with her was during my parents' ride to Chicago the day she died. She and Dad were sparring over his driving (she was a horrible backseat driver). I was overly tired from a rough night with Lainey.  The conversation was short and a little tense, but the last thing we said was “I love you.”

So, as Mother's Day comes, I will take the time to miss my mother.  I will cry and I will laugh remembering her life and our time together. I will also celebrate the unbelievable blessing of my darling little girl and imagine all the wonderful memories we will build together.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I can't talk to you anymore, but you're still with me every day.

Three Generations