I’m having a bit of an identity crisis. I realized it might
be time for some self-reflection when I had a mild panic attack while shopping
for some new clothes online. The search for new black pants should not make me
hyperventilate, but as I hopped from website to website and scrolled through
pages of thumbnails, it occurred to me that I have no idea what is on trend
right now—do people still wear boot cut? Or is skinny the only way to go? Straight leg looks polular. And what is this “drapey” style I see? Too
many choices!!! Even worse, as I tried to zero in on a few key wardrobe addtions, I was at a complete loss as to what my personal style
is these days—assuming one should not adopt yoga pants and event t-shirts as
her personal style. Not that I have ever been a super-edgy, fashionista, but I
used to know how to throw an outfit together and doll myself up right. And shopping has certainly never been a stress-inducing activity. I ended
up just shutting down the computer.
The shopping meltdown led me to start thinking about other
ways I feel out-of-touch these days. The
only way I keep up on current events is through my daily “Skimm” e-newsletter
and viewings of The Daily Show as I
nod off at night. As far as what's happing in the world of pop culture--beats me! I couldn’t
name one song on the top 40, if you offered me a winning lottery ticket to do
it and could name maybe 1 or 2 actors under the age of 35. Which some may say is a good thing, but it just makes me feel old. I find myself totally confused when scrolling through facebook and
Instagram, trying to decipher all the acronyms and emoji and figure out what the hell people are talking
about. Thank heaven for Urban Dictionary!
As for my literature knowledge, could someone please remind me what
a novel is again? When Chris and Sean visited this summer, the subject of “what
books have you read” came up. Four years ago, I would have rattled off at least
four or five recent reads. This time I was like “uh, uh…But, Not the Hippopotamus? What? You haven’t read it? You
should…it’s a classic. Great take on marginalization with a total surprise
ending of the oppressed becoming the oppressor. I really felt for the
armadillo.”
And then there is the issue of lapsed communications with
friends. Friends, whom I love so dearly and miss every day, but I just can’t
seem to find the time to call or email, let alone find time to actually SEE. And
each day that passes seems to make it harder to reach out and I fear by the
time I get my act together those relationships may just silently slip away.
Lately, I just feel like I’m stumbling through each day,
trying to get it all done, but with no clear purpose. I feel I’m always reactive,
not proactive, and it’s giving me a case of the “icks.” I’m a planner by
nature. I like a clean “to do” list that gets cleared regularly. I like time to
myself. I like extra sleep. I like lazy days with a good book and long brunches with friends. None of these
“likes” are really compatible with my life right now. Outside of time with the
kids, I’m forgetting what else interests me and brings me joy.
I know this is a phase of life. I know it will not last
forever. I know in a flash I’ll have two teenagers who are NEVER home and NEVER
want my attention. But, while I’m on this ride of motherhood and total
infatuation with my young ones, what happens if I forget how to be me?
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