Here they
come...the tough conversations. Is there an app for this? 'Cause to be honest,
I'd kinda' like to phone some of these in.
As Lainey closes out her fourth year of life (FOUR!!! She’ll
be FOUR in less than two months), her observations and questions are becoming
more complicated. Like at the birthday party two weeks ago, when she very
loudly announced, “Mommy! That man has a BIIIGGG forehead!” Okay, not so bad,
the man didn’t even hear her and he probably would have chuckled at her
observation of his receding hairline. But, then last week she came home and
said, “Mommy, do you know who has a big tummy? Neil’s* dad!” Now, I’ve seen
Neil’s dad at pick-up and he does indeed have a very big tummy. So, I started to
explain that she shouldn’t make comments like that because they could hurt
someone’s feelings. She looked confused as to why, so I continued explaining.
But, somehow my talk just went off the rails and turned into a topsy-turvey
pile of nonsense. I started with the “we all have different kinds of bodies”
talk, but then I felt the need to insert something about eating the right food
and taking care of our bodies, so we don’t get big. But, then I went back to “but,
it’s okay if you’re bigger,” before really clearing up the issue with “but, if
someone is bigger you still shouldn’t say anything, because they might feel bad
about having a bigger body.” When I finally stopped babbling, I looked at
Lainey and asked, “understand?” She stared at me with her knitted brow and then
asked “Can I have a dessert?” So, I’d say that talk failed on every level.
It also
seems things are starting to get romantic at pre-school! The other night on the
drive home, Lainey informed me that Ian* kisses her sometimes and he’s going to
marry her. “Really?!” I said feigning horrified shock. “You’re going to get married!” “Yes,” Lainey said. “Because
boys marry girls.” I nodded along smiling and said, "Yes, boys marry girls,” and
kept smiling and nodding, until I realized with a jolt what I was leaving out. “And
boys can marry boys, and girls can marry girls,” I quickly added. She seemed a
little confused, and then even a little upset, because she "doesn’t WANT to
marry a girl!” I told her she didn’t HAVE to marry a girl, I was just saying that
you can love whomever you want and marry whomever you want. Love is love and
the more the merrier. She seemed to like that idea (wish other people were so
easy to convince).
Finally,
her anatomy questions are really ramping up and I just don’t know where to
start and stop on those at this age. She finally asked the question about why boys
have penises and girls have vaginas. I took the easiest route I could think of
at 6:30 a.m. on a Monday morning--“So you can tell who is a boy and who is a
girl.” She seemed satisfied with this, so I’ll leave the gender identity
discussion for another day.
In the
end, I just want to raise empathetic children who are aware of differences and
can acknowledge and accept them in a loving, respectful way. I guess I’d rather
screw up the conversation than not have it at all.
*Names
changed to protect privacy
