7 Musings

I had meant to write and post this the night before Lainey’s first birthday, but it kinda’ got pushed down on the “to do” list.

Parenthood is hard (as everyone will tell you). It has its ups and downs. But, every morning when I see Lainey’s big grin and her sweet little arms reaching for me, I am thankful for the awesome blessing of being her mom. The bigger she gets, the harder it is for me to believe that I half-created this amazing person and grew her in my belly for over nine months!

Things I’ve learned since Elaine joined our world…

#1:  I love Elaine every second of every day, but I don’t always love being a mom…

There I said it. Gasp if you must. Don’t get me wrong, I never wish I didn’t choose to be a mother, but there are definitely times when I wish I could take a few days vacation from the job. And I call it a job, because it is work. Work with unbelievable rewards and benefits, but still very, very hard work. And I think it’s okay to acknowledge that aspect and not always be thrilled to be up at 5:30am on a Saturday morning listening to the activity table cheerfully sing, “Hellooooo, the phone is ringing, so I say helloooooo!”—over and over and over. (The play kitchen has some great ditties, too. )

#2:  I spent way too much time and energy stressing over breastfeeding…

I was more frustrated and cried harder over this struggle than anything else as a new mother. And now I see how silly I was being. Is breastmilk best? Yes. Is it more economical? Hell, yes. Would Elaine really have suffered if I’d put her on formula earlier or would we have had to declare bankruptcy? No. She would have been fine and we’d have still paid our mortgage. And I would have been a much happier and more relaxed mama. I honestly believe that the pressure I put on this single aspect of mothering Lainey ultimately hurt my relationship with her in those first months. In my effort to do what was “best” for her, I prevented myself from just enjoying being with her tiny little self.

So friends, remind me of this when #2 makes his/her appearance this spring.

#3:  I spent way too much time and energy stressing in general…

Is she eating enough? Is she eating too much? Is she too hot? Too cold? Why won’t she sleep? Why is she sleeping so much? Why hasn’t she rolled over? She rolls over and now she sleeps on her stomach! SHE’S TOO YOUNG TO SLEEP ON HER STOMACH!!!

You get the picture. I had promised myself before I had Lainey that I wouldn’t read all the parenting books. A promise I should have kept. Every time I picked up a book on sleeping or eating or whatever I was trying to figure out that week, I would go into a tailspin over everything I was doing “wrong” according to this doctor or that expert. In the end, good parenting isn’t rocket science. Kids are resilient. At the very basic level what they need is love, food, and clean diapers. The rest works itself out.

Again friends, I ask you to remind me of this around March 2

#4:  Being a working mom is tough…
I miss my girl. I miss important moments—she took her first steps at daycare. I have to cram all the errands and housework into nights and weekends. Sometimes, actually quite often, I get really frustrated that I can’t keep up. For the first few months back at work, I felt totally overwhelmed and like I was doing everything half-assed. Then I got really good advice from my friend, Maggie, who told me you have to lower your expectations. And she was right. Life has changed. I’m sure there are some people out there who can be the Super Mom (or Dad) and work all day, come home make a gourmet meal, and keep a spotless home all before making handmade holiday gifts for all the neighbors. But, I’m not that lady. Want to be. Wish I were. But, I’m not and trying to be just makes me feel like a failure.

So, while I’m not always good about it, I try to let the chores slide in favor of more face time with Elaine or fun family outings or even 30 minutes of mindless tv. Five years from now am I going to remember that I didn’t fold laundry for two weeks? No, but I will remember Lainey’s first trip to the pool and our evening playtime. And her kisses and hugs give me infinitely more satisfaction that a clean kitchen.  Not to mention watching a little reality tv or other parents during a trip to the zoo can really boost your self-esteem. You realize maybe you’re not doing so horribly after all. 

#5:  But, working has its rewards…

I get quiet time to myself during the commute to read, check email, or just stare into space.

I get adult interaction (although some adults behave no better than a screaming child).

I can run a few errands during the day or take care of online things without Lainey trying to steal the laptop.

I’m really good at my job and that feels really good and makes me more confident as a person, and therefore, as a mother.

I get MONEY!

#6:  Just because it seems like everyone else is doing it better, doesn’t mean they are...

And if they are, so what? I went through a lot days thinking I was the only hot mess of a new mama out there. I still do. There are nights (although much further apart these day) when I have a meltdown and pout about how I can’t do it and don’t understand how everyone else handles it all so well. And my blessed husband, will say “how do you know they're doing great? You’re doing an awesome job.” Which brings me to #7… 

#7:  I could never do this without a strong partner…

God bless Mark Brandi. I would have been checked into the loony bin long ago without him. His patience (at least with Lainey and me) is endless.  He can come home from the most stressful day,  drop it all at the door and go into full force daddy mode. He can stay out until 2am on a Friday night and still get up at 6:30 the next morning to eat breakfast with Lainey. He hugs me when I’m sad, calms me when I’m angry, and makes me stop and take "me time" when I need it. Simply put, he’s awesome. The best. My main man.

So, kudos to all the single parents out there! You’re amazing, amazing people. I am incredibly fortunate to have a superman on my side.

I think that's probably enough ramblings. Yes, life is very different from before we had Elaine. But, different is good. Different helps you grow. Different makes you appreciate the days that came before and excites you for what lays ahead.