Nick loves playing with dolls, strollers, and has recently
shown an interest in cross-dressing (the boy loves his handbags and he looks
damn good in Lainey’s pink sweatshirt). I don’t care—but, I’ve been surprised
by how many other people seem to think I should be putting a stop to it.
I’ve had a couple interesting encounters since having a son.
Last summer at the park, a woman was utterly baffled that Nick was a boy,
because I happened to be feeding him from a pink bottle. She seriously COULD
NOT wrap her mind around that situation. Today, a woman who had just finished complaining about how her
husband doesn’t share in their domestic duties and child care, wigged out when
I talked about how much Nick loves playing with Lainey’s dolls and purses. She
looked at me as if I’d just shot a snot rocket at her and then she continued on a
little tirade about how she would never
allow her son to have a doll. I wish
I could say this is an isolated conversation, but I’ve heard the same
perspective often—be it about Nick or another boy. Hmmmm. So, let me get this straight, we want men
to value and participate in the domestic realm, but when raising our boys, we
should emphasize those are strictly girl activities? Got it. Makes total sense.
Every day I see men cradling, kissing, and hugging babies. Mark
is very involved in caring for our kids. He holds them, rocks them, fixes their
boo-boos, and puts them to bed. It’s almost like he’s their parent—crazy, I know. And I don’t think anyone would be aghast to see Mark holding a baby, so why
can’t Nick imitate that behavior with a doll without people freaking out over
it?
There is a lot of buzz and dialogue about how to promote female
leadership and interest in STEM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, and
Mathematics)—think Google’s “Girls Who Code” summer program and Sheryl
Sandberg’s “Ban Bossy” campaign. It’s great to see conversation around building
confidence in girls and helping them explore beyond traditional “girl”
activities at an early age, but that encouragement does exactly roll the other
way, does it?
If I let Lainey loose down the “boy” toy aisle at Target to
grab an action figure, no problem. Many people would even think it was “cool”
that she isn’t completely wrapped up in the world of princesses. But, if I let
Nick toddle down the Barbie aisle with his purse hitched over his
shoulder…we’re looking at a different situation.
So, yes, I let Nick play with the
dollhouse and wear Lainey’s dresses. I don't care and I don't worry. He's 17 months old. And if he’s five and likes wearing a tiara and bracelets, I still won’t care…but, I may start to worry. Not because I think it’s wrong, but because other people will make their opinions known and they can be nasty
and cruel. I read a great blog post from a father who lets his son wear dresses: My Son Wears Dresses, and that's OK with Me. What's terrifying to me is the amount of hateful comments posted in response to such an incredibly loving, accepting parenting choice.
So, for me, it's not about stopping my kids from being different, it's about protecting them from people who think different is wrong. I think about that a lot and how I will handle the tough situations as my
kids evolve and perhaps choose a path that doesn’t follow the “norm.” Will I be
able to stand strong and help my children be the people they want to be, or
will I start suggesting Nick only wears his bedazzled purple shirt to bed and
tries playing football? I really don’t know the answer to that—and
it’s more than a little scary to consider navigating those waters.
There’s no sense worrying about it today, because who knows
what the future will bring, but these are important discussions to have as we
try to raise a generation that is more tolerant, inclusive and willing to
accept differences—if not embrace and welcome them.
In the meantime, you play with your babies, Nick! And I
think the purple purse looks better on you than the pink—but, choose whichever
makes you happy.
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