Parenting Advice (for parents who are sick of parenting advice)

In this wonderful information age of ours, there is no lack of parenting guidance and advice. It’s everywhere. Today alone, I read five different articles and saw a least a dozen social media posts on the topic. The problem is, rarely do I read an article and think to myself, “Wow! I’m an amazing parent.” Usually, I think, “Damn. Screwed up AGAIN.” Probably because I had been following the exact opposite advice from an article I read six months ago that turned out to be written by a twenty-year-old college student raising a ferret.  

There is just so much pressure everywhere you turn. And if you don’t make the exact right parenting choices and execute them with perfect consistency, your child is doomed to, at best, be a social deviant, at worst, a full-blown sociopath.

Thinking of reaching for the blue box of Kraft Mac & Cheese? WRONG! You’d better keep on pushing that cart and grab the box of Annie’s Homegrown or your child is destined for ADHD and you’re being reported to child services for abuse.

Toying with the idea of turning on a little Disney Junior, so you can poop in peace? FAIL! You’re a lazy parent and now your kids will never learn to read. Hope that BM is worth their illiteracy.

Considering skipping the sixth Chuck E. Cheese birthday party in the past three months, in favor of brunch at your favorite spot. Their childhood is ruined! A kid can't be a kid, over eggs benedict and dark roast coffee, can they? But, that box of three crayons and a blank placemat is probably almost as much fun--you selfish jerk. 

And these “helpful” articles to guide us in our parenting journey are often very absolute in their direction. Instead of using the words “never,” “always,” and “do,” I’d love to read something that suggests “maybe,” “sometimes,” and “try.” For instance…

Sometimes resist the urge to hand over the iPad when your four-year-old springs from bed at 4am on a Saturday. Maybe play a game of hide-and-seek and let her hide for a really, really, really long time. It will teach her to be comfortable being alone and give her a sense of accomplishment for being such a great hider you couldn’t find her for two hours. Try it!

Or…

Maybe when your two-year-old son starts referring to everything in a bottle as “daddy’s beer,” try sometimes drinking beer from a can and calling it La Croix. You stop the odd looks from strangers at the grocery store and he gets exposure to a foreign language.

Or…

Sometimes, instead of yelling in frustration at your stubborn daughter, try giving her a choice between putting on her shoes or making your head explode. Maybe the thought of seeing your brains on the wall will inspire obedience.  

C'mon. Wouldn't something along those lines be nice once in awhile? Couldn't you put down an article like that and think, "hmmm...guess I don't suck at this parenting thing after all?" In fact, you might even feel like a superior parent, if we could set the bar just a wee bit lower now and again. But, only sometimes. 

(Author’s note: be prepared for your child to choose making your head explode and show enthusiasm for seeing your brains on the wall. But, then again, this author sometimes feeds her kids Kraft, regularly distracts them with TV, and is wildly inconsistent with her parenting style, so they are already on the sociopath track.)