The Graduate

Lainey had her preschool graduation last Thursday night and will move into the pre-K room in September. So, really, she just graduated preschool into more preschool. At first, I thought, "isn't this a little overkill?," but watching Lainey practicing her songs and solo line at home and getting so excited, I became super excited, too. The pre-graduation performance was called "Dinosaur Pet," and the whole thing was completely adorable!

We made a whole evening out of it, getting pizza before the big event and ice cream after. I'm really loving this stage with the kids where we can get out and do some real family activities. So much fun!

A big thanks to all the teachers at the daycare for putting the event together and taking time out of their evenings for it!

Below is a link to the video for you die-hard Lainey fans (it's about 13 minutes long). Just be sure to turn DOWN the volume--those kids have some lungs!

"I love, I love, I love my little dinosaur pet!"

The proud graduate (with Ms. Emily and Dad)

Celebration ice cream!

Milk Muscles

Nick is not an enthusiastic milk drinker. He likes it okay, but unlike Lainey who would drink a gallon a day if we let her, Nick is good with a few sips to wash down his meal then he's done. He will chug down the leftover milk in his cereal bowl, however, so I was considering just refilling his bowl to get him his daily allowance.

Luckily I seem to have found another motivator: the Hulk. I told him milk gives him strong muscles like the Hulk and now he has jumped on board the milk wagon. Perhaps my choice of superhero isn't the best to have him aspire to, but the Hulk is his favorite and, you have to admit, he has the biggest muscles. With the big green guy on my side, Nick now slurps up the white stuff, gives me a big flex, and says, "MILK MUSCLES!"

Give Me Strength

Look at that face...such a sweet, precious, innocent girl. Except when she's not...

Many people have told me that the terrible twos are really the terrible threes (to which I agree), but that four is fantastic (to which I hope and pray). I'm banking on Lainey flipping the switch in 19 days and waking up all sugar with just a dash of spice. Because I need a break.

Last week was a daily struggle with Lainey’s tantrums and defiance. She was testing us at every turn. For the most part I kept my cool. I was firm, but didn’t yell, and if I felt myself entering the adult temper tantrum danger zone, I just walk away from the situation until I had Mark with me. In fact, when Mark came home from the gym on Wednesday, Lainey enthusiastically greeted him with, "Mom says I can do whatever I want! She doesn't care anymore!" (My girl may be a smarty pants, but she doesn’t identify irony quite yet). Granted, saying those words wasn't the best parenting example, but I never raised my voice and no one cried, so I put it in the “win” column.

But, when Mark left Thursday for his long-awaited guys’ weekend, I was left with no reinforcements and I’m so sad to report the ugly monster that is my temper overtook me when I reached my tipping point Saturday night.

All day, Lainey fought me at every turn. I mean EVERY turn. The only thing she did willingly was get ready for swim lessons. I was running on about five hours of sleep and her whining and tantrums were really fraying my nerves. Then that afternoon we went to a gathering at a friend’s house, but had to leave after only 20 minutes. 18 of those minutes were spent trying to talk Lainey out of her hysterics over the dog (who was safely stowed away upstairs, but she had heard bark and so she refused to be in the house). I can’t put any blame on her for this; she has a very real fear of dogs. As I sat in my friend’s backyard, trying to calm her and her pleas to go home, I finally had to admit that leaving was the right thing to do. Whether rational or not, she was scared, and she needed to go somewhere she felt safe. But, I was very disappointed. I had been looking forward to this event for a few weeks and it really bummed me out to leave. So, as much as I knew this wasn’t her typical tantrum, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t annoyed.

When we got back home, things seemed to get back on track and I decided we could all use a movie night—contingent on Lainey’s good behavior the rest of the afternoon—which I made clear to her. She was pretty good at first, but then slowly started back with the obnoxious behavior. Dumping her crayons on the floor or being too rough with Nick; laughing and running away from me when I tried to discipline her. Then at dinner she got angry because I refused dessert (she had already had two cookies at the party in my attempt to soothe her). She went into full-blown tantrum mode and threw her plate on the floor and her cup at me. And that’s when I snapped. A week’s worth of frustration and exhaustion erupted from me and there was nothing I could do to stop myself. I yelled like I have never yelled before. I told her to run to her room “NOW” and stay there until I came to get her. And that wasn’t to punish her—it was to protect her.  I wasn’t worried I would physically harm her, but in that moment, I didn’t trust myself not to say something really hurtful. And believe me, I was thinking some pretty horrible stuff. It was without a doubt, my very worst parenting moment to date.

I stood there in the kitchen shaking with tears welling up in my eyes and my anger switched from Lainey to myself. I could hear Lainey wailing and then heard her say, “but, I wanted to watch a movie!” And relief washed over me. That’s all she took away from my tantrum. Not that I screamed at her like a mad woman and told her to run from me, but that I took her movie time away.

I’ve been following a fantastic blog called Hands Free Mama. I so admire Rachel Macy Stafford’s courage for putting herself out there and sharing her ugly parenting moments and her commitment to become a better parent and person. In a world where we are bombarded by images and expectations of perfect parenting, it's refreshing to hear someone share real missteps and struggles, not just admissions of little shortcuts like "I fed my kids cereal for dinner." In reading her blog, I feel comforted that I’m not alone in my issues, and I find hope that it is possible to change the negative things that come with my type-A personality and become more patient and loving—not just when it is easy, but during the tough times, too. The times when those qualities are needed the most! One of my favorite quotes from her blog is “Who I am becoming matters more than who I once was. Today matters more than yesterday.” I’ve focused on this quote the past two days as I try to recover from Saturday. I can’t take that moment back. It’s done and gone and berating myself over and over isn’t going to change anything. What I can do is acknowledge where I have weaknesses and think about how I will handle myself when I find myself in the same situation again—which I no doubt will.

And so I share, not because I particularly want people to know about this incident, but because I hope maybe it will help someone else who has a really tough moment and feels pretty low and alone. (Although I probably won’t link this one to Facebook—my courage only goes so far, so this is for my tried and true followers only). We’re all trying our best. We’re going to get it right, and we’re going to get it wrong—sometimes really, really wrong. So we pick ourselves up and try harder the next day.

The good news is that in the aftermath, Lainey still only seems concerned that she didn’t get to see the Tinker Bell movie on Saturday, and she told me today that I’m “the best mommy ever.” So, I guess I don’t have to start her therapy fund quite yet. 

Smiles on Sunday
"Today matters more than yesterday."

Maggie Daley Park...At Last!

Whale of a good time!

Defying the threat of rain, we finally made it to Maggie Daley Park over the weekend. And it was AWESOME!!! Such a cool place! Lainey was reluctant to tackle the big slides at first, but soon we couldn’t keep up with how fast she raced up the ladders and flew back down the slides. Nick is still a little young to climb up to the bigger slides on his own, but he fell in love with a hill to climb up and tumble down, so he stayed happy while Lainey did her thing. We hope to make it back on a warmer morning to hit up some of the water features. I think Nick will love his dolphin friend even more on a hot day under a spray of mist!

Nick couldn't get enough of this guy!

The not so fun part was getting back to the car. We parked on Randolph, and while the park looks really close from the street, it’s actually quite a hike because of the winding paths. Add in a two-year-old who was NOT happy about leaving and you’ve got yourself an Iron Man workout. I ended up with a pulled muscle from carrying a struggling Nick to the car. This kid is really giving me the business these days!!!

Super Slider!

Here she comes again!

Big enough fo Dad to help a Little Buddy!

It's a Thankless Job

Dear Nicholas,

I am so sorry you were sick last week. We had a rough night, you and I. You were up crying every hour or so, and I would rock you and stroke your hair until you fell back to sleep. And just as I would drift back to sleep, you'd wake again.

The next morning, I paced the house for over 20 minutes carrying your 35-pound body, because that's what soothed you. My back ached and my arms burned, but you found it offensive to sit, so we walked. When you finally fell back to sleep, I gently laid you on the couch then hurried to answer work emails and knock out a report that was due. Just as I hit send on the last email and was ready to lie down and rest my eyes for a bit, you woke back up. We resumed our pacing until you shook off your nap and were ready to eat.

At lunch you stole my sandwich, but I didn't mind, because I was just happy you were hungry. You were kind enough to shove some milk-soaked goldfish in my mouth in exchange. That was thoughtful of you.

After lunch, you seemed to be feeling better and we spent the afternoon playing. You had slept long enough in the morning that you weren't tired for an afternoon nap. Although I was exhausted, it was nice to have some alone time with you for once, and I happily played with your "guys" and let you climb and jump on me.

By the time we picked up your sister, I was running on fumes. Three hours of sleep just doesn't do it for me like it used to. So, I let you two have some TV time and we all cuddled on the couch. At one point, you suddenly jumped on my lap. You wrapped your little arms tightly around my neck, gave me a big kiss, and said, "Love you, Mommy." And as I looked down at your smiling little face, my exhaustion melted away and I thought, this is what it's all about. This is why it's all worth it.

Then your dad walked through the door. And you shoved me out of your way by my face and ran to him as fast as your little legs could carry you. And you've barely looked my way since.

So, as I sit here on my third day of a burning throat and a headache that won't quit, I say to you, "I'll remember this." And in about 15 years, there will be a Saturday night when both you and Lainey want the keys to the car. I hope you know how to ride a bike by then.

Love,
Mommy

So happy together...before Mark got home

The Stolen Sandwich

Bye, Bye Baby

Things just got real up in The Yellow House. Today, we disassembled Nick's crib and Monday morning it will be on the curbside. And so it's official...we are a baby-free family. Like many of the greatest milestones in life, it's bittersweet. We have several friends with infants right now, and I won't lie, when I hold those sweet little bundles, I think, "well, maybe... ." But, two kids feels right for us, and with two kids we shall stay.

Nick transitioned to the toddler bed like a champ. Mark put it together last Sunday, and he's slept perfectly fine and stayed in the bed all night, every night. So, next up for the big guy...POTTY TRAINING! I will not have any trouble saying goodbye to diapers.

He'll always be MY baby

Mother's Day

The crumby weather spoiled my outdoor ideas for Mother's Day, but we recovered with a trip to the YMCA pool, a very liberal TV allowance for the kids, and a much needed afternoon nap for all.

I'd originally wanted to head to Bang! Bang! Pie Shop to enjoy their biscuits that I miss so much, but the cool, drizzly morning put a cabash on enjoying their lovely outdoor area. They have seating inside, but it's a little cramped and would have made managing the kids significantly more difficult. Containing high-strung kids in a small public area is not in the top 5 of my relaxing activities, so I took a pass. Those delicious biscuits will just have to wait.  My other idea was to hit up the Maggie Daley park, which I'm dying to get the kids to, but again, a rainy park isn't much fun.

By foregoing the above, we finally found time to take advantage of the open swim time at the YMCA. I've been wanting to get over there, because Lainey has been resistent to this round of swim lessons. I thought maybe a little family fun time might revive her enthusiasm for the water. Looks like it did the trick, because she has been asking when she gets to go swim lessons non-stop. Fingers crossed for no tears this Saturday!

Of course there were tears when it was time to LEAVE the pool, so I went with my best parenting tactic--bribery. This time it was the promise of muffins (which ended up being cupcakes.) Nothing like the promise of sweet, sweet sugar to stop a tantrum cold in its tracks. That sugar fix backfired at home, however, when we tried to plop the kids in front of a movie, so we could enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. They could not sit still or keep their voices below a shout. They were all over the place, tackling each other, jumping on the furniture, and racing in circles--the movie went unnoticed and our coffee went cold, as we played defense against leaping children and flying toys.

I may not have had a quiet cup of coffee, but I did get spoiled with gifts! Lainey made me a ladybug flower pot (how appropriate!) and Nick presented a hand-painted picture frame. Mark outdid himself yet again in the gift department and bought me a beautiful silver necklace with Nick and Elaine's silhouettes. I love it so!

The kids were pretty exhausted from the morning and took very long naps, and I indulged in one myself--a treat I haven't enjoyed for quite some time. Mark took care of dinner that night while I snuggled on the couch with the kids and watched a Wild Kratts marathon. All-in-all a pretty great Mother's Day!

Almost four years later, I still have moments when I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I'm a mother. That idea I grew these two wonderful little beings inside me and am responsible for raising them into independent, capable, compassionate (I hope) adults, humbles, scares, inspires, and leaves me in awe and wonder. It's a huge, complex job, full of obstacles, rewards, failures, and successes. And I'll keep trying every day for the rest of my life to be a better mother, teacher, and friend to them. How did I get so lucky?

And the best gifts of all...